A number of people have asked me why I wear the silly big nose & glasses disguise in all my photos.

No. I am not trying to hide my Earth identity. I’m not some super hero from another planet, I am not the Lone Ranger in an updated costume, and I have not been disfigured in a horrific accident. The answer is both simple and complex. 

What you Earthlings perceive as my comic disguise is actually a device I need to wear when preparing for, and traveling into, outer space, or what you intellegencia call “the Cosmos”. I need the device to stabilize by body transition after my voyage, as well.

I won’t bore you with Aarkonian technical terms. Let’s just call the device “my mask”. If you look closely, you’ll see that what appears to be hair near my nose and eyes is actually a filtering device. I need to wear my mask seven Earth days before my departure from this solar system and for 21 days after my return to maintain my health and energy.

I do venture out of my dwelling while wearing the mask. I was a bit timid at first, but found that my unusual look was accepted; first by grocery baggers at large super markets, wandering children in shopping malls, and then Hare Krishna devotees in airports. So I began to feel comfortable in my ventures into public places both before and after my travels back to my home on Aarkon.

My comfort caused a recent personal disaster. A friend of a friend was to be married and I was invited to his bachelor party. It was held at a “Gentleman’s Club” downtown. A gift wasn’t a requirement, so I figured: What the hell, I’ll try this.

It had only been 8 days since my return from Aarkon so I had to wear the mask. Fortunately, I arrived later than the others. The place was illuminated in smoky neon and the guys at the party were already drunk. They had Bob, the groom-to-be, tied to a chair with his necktie. A gyrating topless woman straddled Bob’s lap while running her fingers through his hair. During her performance, a few of his red-eyed friends pointed to me in my mask and laughed while saying, “Hey, Cool.”, or “This guy’s ready to party!” and “Shit. I should have worn mine.” So, I relaxed and began drinking Vodka with the thought that I blended into that party scene.

I made several trips to the Tyme cash machine on the wall near the Men’s room. Bob’s friends took turns buying lap dances for him from the near naked women who promenaded between the cocktail tables. The vodka had taken hold of me. I bought several dances for Bob from a woman with a fringed thong who called herself “Finger Lickin’”.

Finger Lickin’ became my new best friend after maybe the fourth time I purchase her services for, the now sleepy-looking, groom. After her final evening stage performance, she came back to Bob’s table, put her arms around my neck and yelled over the throbbing techno music, “I got something special for you, Baby.” She said.

I grabbed her wrists, dropped her arms, and began to search in my pockets. “No. No. That’s okay, Finger Lickin’. I’m fine. It’s Bob’s special night.”

She reached up and squeezed the nose of my mask. “You’re cute. You know what us girls say about a guy with a big nose, Don’t cha?”

“Sure I do. That’s why I wear this.” I giggled with embarrassment while adjusting the nose and smoothing the hairy filter below it.

“Finger Lickin’ is gonna give you a free ride in the V.I.P. Lounge. You’s my boyfriend tonight. Ain’t cha?”

“Hey!” I said, while handing her a wad of crumpled bills. “I need another Vodka. Why don’t you carry Bob into the lounge. Can I get you a drink?

I headed for the bar, and when I turned to return to Bob’s table, Finger Lickin’ already had her hand wrapped around my belt.

“Where you goin’ Mr. Nose?”

“Huh? Oh, Hi. I’m just going to see how Bob is doing. I thought you two would be in the lounge by now.”

“They took Bobby home. Said he’s getting’ married tomorrow. Ooh, ooh, eee. That’s all I can say. Come on Sugar. I wana dance for you.” She led me by my belt.

The V.I.P. Lounge was darker than the dance hall. Finger Lickin’ pushed me onto a lounge chair and began gyrating while massaging her breasts to the soulful crooning of Barry White through the countless number of speakers that filled the lounge.

“I’m givin’ you a love dance, Baby. This is free. This ain’t gonna cost you. It’s my love dance.” She put her glitter-decorated thighs around me. “Of course, I know a gentleman like you is a big tipper. I know what you’re like, Baby.”

I swallowed the rest of my Vodka including the ice cubes. “I wonder if you do Finger Lickin’. It may take me a while to explain.”

She dropped her head, blew in my ear, and whispered. I know what you want. I got what you want right here. Yes. I do, Baby.”

Before I could reply, she dropped her head into my lap and did a headstand on the chair. The heels of her shoes sent my mask sailing into the dark behind me, while the fringe on her panties filled my nostrils.

I held Finger Lickin’ by her hips and spoke in an unfamiliar voice, as though I was holding my nose shut with my fingers. “Let me up. Let me up! My mask!”

She giggled, jiggled her head, and mumbled something while rubbing dark red lipstick onto the crotch of my slacks.

“No. No. Really.” I said in that strange nasal voice again. “This is great. You’re great. Really great. But I can’t breathe.” I lifted her by the hips and she somersaulted off the chair.”

Her eyes were wide with shock. I guess Finger Lickin’ never had an experience like that in her V.I.P. Lounge before. “What’s wrong with you, Mister?” She asked.

“I need my mask. I have to wear the mask.”

“She crawled the floor behind the chair, found my mask and twirled it in front of me by the ear piece. “You need this, huh? Well, what are you gonna give Finger Lickin’ for it?

I began to cough. “Yes. I need it. I need it badly. I’ll give you anything. Here give me that. Don’t break it.”

It was dark, but I could make out her smile and narrowed eyes. “What if I said one hundred?”

“Sure. Just give me my glasses so I can see.”

I gave her two fifties, put on the mask and left Finger Lickin’ on the floor of the V.I.P. Lounge.

While speeding home, I kept wishing that I wasn’t too late, and that I hadn’t been without my mask long enough to complicate my Earthling existence. It had only been 8 days since my space travel. I tested myself immediately after I returned home. My hopes vanished.

I would need to wear my mask indefinitely. Later, after re-examining myself, I discovered that Finger Lickin’ had given me a life-threatening disease while performing her head stand on my mask-less face.

Test after test has revealed that I now suffer from leukemia. I judge that my Earth existence may be shortened to as little as two Earth years. To make matters worse, I’m not sure if I have enough fuel in my craft for one last trip to my home on Aarkon.

My biggest fear from this entire episode is that I have to tell my father that I caught an Earthly disease at a strip Club.